especially for moms

"Am I a good mom?"

"Am I a good dad?"

Those questions lurk under the surface of everyday life. Because buried beneath writing the monthly check for the orthodontist, chauffeuring to gymnastics and serving as a school volunteer, I believe most parents want to be good parents.

"Am I a good parent?" If you ask your eight year old just after you bought him a new video game, the answer will be a resounding, "Yes." But you might get a totally different response if your teen is grounded after failing to fill up the gas tank on your car.

Any definition of “good” parenting involves decisions which might not reflect clear-cut rights and wrongs. That's because many parental actions are judgment calls. For example, my niece and nephew always had later bedtimes and looser daily schedules than our three children. Does that mean my sister has been a better mom than I? Not necessarily: we've both worked really hard to be good moms. Dorothy and Gerry simply have a different lifestyle than Hank and I. Lifestyle differences are reflected in our parenting, and yet there are five elements shared by effective moms and dads.

Effective parents know where they are going.

We are so busy doing parenting, we don't often spend time thinking about parenting. That's why some family life consultants encourage borrowing a basic business strategy: create a family mission statement against which you compare plans, actions and results. Using "business speak" a family mission statement might read: "The Adams family exists to provide a safe, nurturing, healthy environment to support happy, fulfilled, and God-pleasing individual lives."

Whether or not you find it helpful to work through such an exercise, each of us should have a clear sense of direction. That might mean you jot down a single goal on the top of each month's calendar page. Or, you might regularly schedule a family council to discuss short-term problems and long-term goals.

Effective parents live what they believe.

Beliefs guide behavior. This means if you believe that Biblical principles and Christian virtues are the foundation for healthy families, you will do everything possible to live out those values. Your children will not only notice, but will decide whether or not to embrace those same core beliefs.

For example, a local grade school produced the play "Damn Yankees." Eighth graders sold "Damn Yankees" t-shirts as a money-raiser for the class trip. One student did not buy a shirt for himself or sell the shirts because he found the play title to be offensive.

Effective parents communicate.

That sounds so simple, but any parent who has tried to talk with a two-year-old throwing a temper tantrum or a 12 year old who bangs shut the bedroom door knows the challenges of communication.

Effective communication is a product of attitude and technique, or non-verbal and verbal communication. For example, if you automatically respond to your child with the words, "I forgive you" in a cold tone of voice, you sabotage the intent of the phrase. Honest, direct communication doesn't have a hidden agenda.

Parents tend to be very good at the first side of communication -- talking -- and not as good at the second side of communication -- listening. The simple advice, "Open your ears and close your mouth," also applies to us.

Effective parents set appropriate boundaries.

Few people like rules, but all of us need them. I'm grateful for the rules of the road each time I drive to a busy intersection and see other cars stop at the red light. When our children were younger, I appreciated our house rules each evening when the dinner table was cleared according to the schedule on our refrigerator.

Setting boundaries is easy during the early years of parenting: by considering a child's development and personality, we simply determine what is appropriate for an individual child. The process becomes more complicated during the tween years. Those 8-12 year olds love to practice their new skills of negotiation and "fair" becomes the most overused word in their vocabulary. When we parent teens, limits emerge from discussions with almost-adults.

Yet setting limits is important for children of any age, because limits set clear-cut boundaries of behavior. Although a child might see a rule as a challenge to test, limits give parents and children the security of knowing expectations.

Effective parents learn.

We can measure our children's growth by pounds on a scale and marks on a closet door. Sometimes children take a step or two back before moving forward, but their overall track is focused toward the future.

Our development is harder to measure, but just as important. Throughout our years of parenting must continue to read magazines, scan websites, and listen to experts. We must continue to observe our children. After sifting all of that material through our personal filters, we can intelligently reflect on changes that will make us more effective moms and dads.

You and I face multiple challenges as we parent through uncharted waters. No other generation of parents has faced the number or intensity of outside influences that impact our children. We are the first generation to parent in the Information Age. Our children are immersed in technology. They will live in a world we can’t even imagine. And yet when we embrace these five basic principles, we demonstrate our intention to be a “good” parent.